The Warped World of Barry Astral

A day in the life of a pro cyclist - or how I got banned from Brixton Library...

Last Monday week I was having a pretty normal day. I had just had my steak and eggs for breakfast, as usual - not very healthy eh ? But, my thinking is, the Americans all eat this and Lance Armstrong is an American and he did OK, from which I can extrapolate that steak and eggs will, at the very minimum, guarantee that I will do a 'personal' in the Redmon CC evening 10 next week. Mmm, 'extrapolate'. That's a good word. I'd better look it up.

But it was Monday and I needed to get my weekly fix of culture, for which I turned to the most excellent Brixton Library.
Readying myself with my own unique flair for fashion, mixed with a cycling 'savoir faire' second to none, I felt resplendent in my all-in-one red and white skin-suit, perfectly showcasing my newly-shaved, all-year-round, tea-bag tanned legs. The varicose veins tracing the exact route of the mountain stage 12 in last year's Tour. Little spatters of blood slightly spoiling the effect though - must get a new Epilady...

Arriving at my destination on my 'bent - mighty stylish - I held up my disabled sticker made from the 'Unigate 3 pints of milk please' thingy and rolled straight in stopping at my own modern day Oracle - a PC on the Internet !
This has got to be the best invention since the chain-driven cycle. I can get to anything from the classics, to Mills and Boon, to the top shelf of the newsagents. Mainly the top shelf...
This particular day I was mostly interested in the progress of a certain young Victoria Pendleton - cycling pin-up and in her spare time, World Champion on the track.

She had just got a sponsorship deal with Hovis and could be seen showing off how well she could push her bike up Gold Hill, with loads of loaves and buns in the basket on the front.
At this point the new librarian - Dorothy - approached and asked what I was looking at.
I showed her and commented that I would have trouble getting the bike up that hill with all those buns in the basket.
She said she had just bought some Hovis buns, by chance and produced a plate. Tasted one - very good.
Clicking on more Pendleton-related articles led to some more interesting and more 'revealing' photos ( was that a new skin-suit she was wearing ? )

Click here to 'Ask Astral'

Previous rants from Barry...

Did Cav give away his opening gambit ? Barry's thoughts on the first few days of the Giro.
Continuing on with Barry's take on the 2009 Giro... I was going to predict an attack by the Columbian Barloworld rider Soler, who's a real old style Pantani/Coppi type of climber,
The Milan Crit in the 2009 Giro...

le Tour 2009

This elicited a silence-shattering gasp from Dorothy, bringing the unwanted attention of Senior librarian, Cynthia.

Cynthia, a fine statuesque woman, had everything a man could ever want - hairy chest, big muscles, moustache - 'What exactly are you looking at Mr Astral ?' The risque picture still on screen.

''W-w-w-well, its nothing really, I stuttered.''I was just showing Dorothy some pictures of Victoria's buns on her bike. She was having trouble pushing it up the hill. I explained how I would have trouble getting it up, as well. Whereupon Dorothy offered to help by handing her buns to me on a plate, which I said tasted as good as Victoria's looked.'

'That's it, Mr Astral! You're Barred !'

What did I say ?

So, a 3 month ban from the library...