The Warped World of Barry Astral

Predictions for 2012...

• Saxo Bank - will branch out into pepper and other condiments.
  
  
• The Schlecks - Frank and Andy - 'Luxembourg. Nil point'. The European answer to 'Jedward', but without the aid of such aerodynamic hair-cuts, are unlikely to make it to the top spot on the podium of the major events this year. They could be on to a winner, however, with their eagerly-awaited release of their version of Rolf Harris' 'Two Little Boys'.
  
  
• Wiggins and Cavendish to fall out over who gets first go at the 'full English' come breakfast-time in the Sky team bus.
  
  
• Cadel Evans caught for taking dubious substances - Viagra eye-drops in an attempt to make himself look hard.
  
  
• Team Movistar sign Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts in an attempt to live up to their name. They fail to finish a single pro race, but get more TV airtime than everyone else put together.
  
  
• And this one is for real - honest. Vino for President – Vinokourov, will get elected to the Kazakhstan parliament.. His experience of taking dodgy substances and expert cover-up attempts whilst lying to the media and his fans afterwards will stand him in good stead for a career in politics.
  
  

And I thought I would leave you with a few Christmas crackers...

• " "The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!"
  
  
• " What is the cheapest type of bicycle you can buy?
  A penny-farthing!
  
  
• " My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day - and now we don't know where the heck she is!
  
  
• " A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
  "Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
  "Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
  
  
• " Mary had a bicycle
  She rode it on the grass
  Every time the wheel went round
  A spoke went up her ....
  
  
  
• "Where's your bicycle Vicar" I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to 'thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out, I've got faith"
  The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: "I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery.......then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.."
  
  
• " A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath!"
  
  
• " A cyclist was stopped by customs. "What's in the bags?", asked the officer, pointing to his panniers. "Sand," said the cyclist. "let me take a look", said the cop. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, refilled the bags, and continued across the border.
  A week later, the same thing happened, and continued every week for a year, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
  A few months later, the cop saw the cyclist living it up downtown. "You sure had us foxed", said the cop. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what was it you were smuggling? ..... "Bicycles!"
  
  
• " Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
  Because it's too tyred!
  
  
• " A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."
  Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap. The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".
  

A day in the life of a pro cyclist - or how I got banned from Brixton Library...

Last Monday week I was having a pretty normal day. I had just had my steak and eggs for breakfast, as usual - not very healthy eh ? But, my thinking is, the Americans all eat this and Lance Armstrong is an American and he did OK, from which I can extrapolate that steak and eggs will, at the very minimum, guarantee that I will do a 'personal' in the Redmon CC evening 10 next week. Mmm, 'extrapolate'. That's a good word. I'd better look it up.

But it was Monday and I needed to get my weekly fix of culture, for which I turned to the most excellent Brixton Library.
Readying myself with my own unique flair for fashion, mixed with a cycling 'savoir faire' second to none, I felt resplendent in my all-in-one red and white skin-suit, perfectly showcasing my newly-shaved, all-year-round, tea-bag tanned legs. The varicose veins tracing the exact route of the mountain stage 12 in last year's Tour. Little spatters of blood slightly spoiling the effect though - must get a new Epilady...

Arriving at my destination on my 'bent - mighty stylish - I held up my disabled sticker made from the 'Unigate 3 pints of milk please' thingy and rolled straight in stopping at my own modern day Oracle - a PC on the Internet !
This has got to be the best invention since the chain-driven cycle. I can get to anything from the classics, to Mills and Boon, to the top shelf of the newsagents. Mainly the top shelf...
This particular day I was mostly interested in the progress of a certain young Victoria Pendleton - cycling pin-up and in her spare time, World Champion on the track.

She had just got a sponsorship deal with Hovis and could be seen showing off how well she could push her bike up Gold Hill, with loads of loaves and buns in the basket on the front.
At this point the new librarian - Dorothy - approached and asked what I was looking at.
I showed her and commented that I would have trouble getting the bike up that hill with all those buns in the basket.
She said she had just bought some Hovis buns, by chance and produced a plate. Tasted one - very good.
Clicking on more Pendleton-related articles led to some more interesting and more 'revealing' photos ( was that a new skin-suit she was wearing ? )

Click here to 'Ask Astral'

Previous rants from Barry...

Did Cav give away his opening gambit ? Barry's thoughts on the first few days of the Giro.
Continuing on with Barry's take on the 2009 Giro... I was going to predict an attack by the Columbian Barloworld rider Soler, who's a real old style Pantani/Coppi type of climber,
The Milan Crit in the 2009 Giro...

le Tour 2009

This elicited a silence-shattering gasp from Dorothy, bringing the unwanted attention of Senior librarian, Cynthia.

Cynthia, a fine statuesque woman, had everything a man could ever want - hairy chest, big muscles, moustache - 'What exactly are you looking at Mr Astral ?' The risque picture still on screen.

''W-w-w-well, its nothing really, I stuttered.''I was just showing Dorothy some pictures of Victoria's buns on her bike. She was having trouble pushing it up the hill. I explained how I would have trouble getting it up, as well. Whereupon Dorothy offered to help by handing her buns to me on a plate, which I said tasted as good as Victoria's looked.'

'That's it, Mr Astral! You're Barred !'

What did I say ?

So, a 3 month ban from the library...